I'd be up front... Just say that you were contacted by recruiter about an opportunity that sounded interesting so you went in for an interview. Explain that you're happy at your current job and would prefer to stay, but obviously you can only do that if it makes sense for you financially.

I'd ask if they'd consider raising your salary to $70k. Explain that you're okay not getting the full $75k they're offering because you would like to stay, but you also don't want to feel like you're making a stupid financial decision - I assume that's the reason for the conflict here?

If you ask for $70k you're at least meeting them half way and showing you're willing to sacrifice a decent amount of money to stay with them. I think that's as reasonable as you can be honestly, but I guess it depends on how much you like the job - you could always ask for the full $75k then try to negotiate lower if they say no, but that would be probably be a higher risk approach.

I think the important thing here is that you're just honest about the situation and understand it's not impolite to ask your employer for a pay rise. At the end of the day you're offering them a service and if they can't pay you a fair price for your labour then they can't expect you to stay with them. You're not being difficult or greedy, that's just how the world works.

I knew a guy who was a great dev. He was working for a company for 15 years and in that time they never gave him a pay rise or a promotion. He was a "junior dev" for 15 years... A couple of years ago the company got into some financial difficulties and they decided to let him go. While I was with the company I told him constantly to demand a pay rise but he always felt greedy doing so and just hoped that if he worked hard enough they'd offer it to him eventually. I know that's not you, but my point is you need to have your own back. If you're worth $75k then there's absolutely nothing wrong with just being honest about the situation with your employer and asking for a raise.

What's most likely to happen:

1. She'll ask for a raise.

2. She won't get a raise.

3. She'll move to a new company.

Depending on the company point 2 might not look like an outright "no". It could be a soft "we'll see" / "let's wait to review time" / "we can give you this great new project with new responsibilities and maybe if that goes great" which keeps some people around for a bit longer without giving them a raise.

Bingo. Had this happen to me. I stayed 2 years on an “around the corner” promise. Don’t let this be you.

As long as she is willing to stay at her current job for $55k or end up with no job at all, do this:

1. Tell current job that she wants a raise to $85k.

2. Negotiate with new offer to get them to $85k (or even $95k).

Don’t offer discounts for staying. Definitely don’t tell the old company about the new one.

This is a great high leverage situation to be in if you’re an employee. But only if you’re willing to use that leverage and accept some risk.

Ask for a raise and don't bring up the job offer. If they say no take it.

Bringing up the offer may get her a raise until they can backfill. It may result in no raise and her getting backfilled.

Only tell your employer about your offer if you plan on using it and if you are planning on using it why bother asking for a raise.

I agree completely. A smart boss, on finding you have another offer, should start looking for your replacement. And if a layoff happens, then she would be top of the list.

That being said, when my boss found me looking for another job, she finally came through with an appropriate raise. I had not negotiated money yet with the new company, but when I did I used the new salary. Myself, if I am interviewing, I am already emotionally gone.

If she was looking for another job she was obviously not satisfied. She can always change, work for a year getting DIFFERENT experience, and then if she finds she does not like the new place shop for a new job doing something she would enjoy better.

My best advice is to tell her to read HN every day. :-)

just have her move on. banking would be more stable, apparently pays more. she wouldn't get the 75k match in your scenario thats what a 50% raise using your numbers? Company is probably hard limited to say 3%-10% max raise by HR policies.

If she did get the raise they know she's been looking so she'd be the first to be cut in the future anyway.

i think it would be nice to stay, but it rarely works.

why?

because the world sucks that way, i guess.

so, ask for the raise, don't get it, accept new job, go thru all background checks, agree on start date, give two weeks notice, get counter-offer (from current company), reject it, move to new job.

if current company counters will BIG offer like 85k or 95k, then maybe take a chance and accept it, else just go. new opportunity for growth is very important if she has the energy for it. can work two or three years, graduate to tech lead/pm, then get pregnant if you all want, etc., all without having to lose your job.

do not give them her current salary