> About the use of "calm down" as an instruction: while your sentiment is good (to reduce another person's anxiety), it's not always possible for someone to follow that when it is received as an instruction.

this is a pet peeve of mine. something i picked up when i was a counselor at a special needs camp was the idea that everyone (regardless of where you lie on any spectrum) has a unique sensitivity to criticism. it's important to NOT treat people how you would like to receive criticism, but to assess how you think they would best consume and digest it. obviously, this is extremely difficult on the internet and i'm just nitpicking but i had an altercation with my sibling earlier when they told me to 'calm down' so i'm still on edge about it.

i'm sure OP doesn't need to hear this but typically i find that a good alternative is to nudge someone into rationality. not to say that the parent comment is irrational, but when you simply show someone why they may be overreacting, they may very well 'calm down' all by themselves. if said person refuses to acknowledge your rationale, it's likely they aren't welcome to any criticism at all and won't be 'calming down' in any capacity.

True. My first reaction to the directive, was that it was rude. Reading more of the context attenuated that impression, but I still think it could have been phrased less ... paternalistically?

You could be onto something there, yep.

Communication is hard.

It is, but there are some easy heuristics before you get to the hard stuff.

One is that telling people how they should feel about things is usually irritating.

It certainly is.

Here's a (probably totally unrelated) comment that I think is good food for thought: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=29917158

Interesting.

:)